I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU

Conversations overheard between humans and absolutely everything else.

DELIGHT No. 11

Human beings talk to things.

Constantly.

We talk to pets, which seems reasonable because pets occasionally acknowledge us.

We talk to babies, who may not understand the words but are generally excellent listeners.

Plants?

Also understandable.

But somewhere along the way, we expanded the program considerably.

Because apparently, we also talk to:

computers,

cars,

doors,

jars,

printers,

furniture,

weather,

traffic lights,

and objects we have personally dropped.

😂

The Computer

You click.

Nothing happens.

You click again.

“Come on.”

Nothing.

“Come ON.”

Still nothing.

Now you're negotiating.

“Don't do this to me.”

Interesting.

The computer has apparently made a deliberate choice.

You lean closer.

“I swear...”

What?

What exactly are you going to do?

The computer would like specifics.

The Printer

Printers occupy a separate category.

Printers are not spoken to.

Printers are confronted.

You send the document.

Nothing.

You check.

Paper: yes.

Ink: yes.

Connection: yes.

Printer:

OFFLINE

You are standing beside it.

It is very clearly there.

“You are NOT offline. I am looking directly at you.”

The printer remains unmoved by your argument.

Eventually it prints seventeen copies of something you attempted to print last Thursday.

No explanation.

We needn't be jerks.

But the printer started it.

🤣

The Jar

You cannot open it.

First attempt.

Nothing.

Second attempt.

“Really?”

The jar says nothing.

You tap the lid.

Run it under warm water.

Use a towel.

Now this is personal.

“Oh, you're opening.”

Notice the confidence.

This is no longer a prediction.

It is a threat.

The lid finally pops.

“THANK you.”

You thank the jar.

After everything it put you through.

Your manners are impeccable.

The Thing You Dropped

You drop a spoon.

“Oh, come on.”

The spoon did not jump.

You dropped it.

Nevertheless, the spoon has disappointed you.

You bend down.

Pick it up.

Drop something else while doing so.

Now:

“Seriously?!”

There are still no other humans involved.

This entire conflict is between you and gravity.

Gravity has declined mediation.

The Furniture

You bump your hip on the table.

Turn around.

Look at it.

“Excuse you.”

🤣

The table has occupied the same coordinates for eleven years.

You walked into it.

But apparently the table should reflect upon its behavior.

The Car

Cars receive entire relationships.

“Come on, baby.”

“You can do it.”

“What is that noise?”

“Don't you dare.”

That last one is particularly interesting.

The dashboard light appears.

You point at it.

“No.”

As though the vehicle has submitted a request.

Denied.

The Traffic Light

You're late.

Red.

You wait.

“Come on...”

Still red.

“Nobody's even coming!”

You have begun presenting evidence.

The traffic light is unmoved.

“GO.”

Green.

For approximately half a second, you feel powerful.

The Weather

You step outside.

Rain.

“Oh, really?”

😂

Apparently, precipitation has been scheduled specifically to inconvenience you.

Or perhaps you're watching storm clouds approach laundry on the line.

“Don't you do it.”

The clouds have received your warning.

Results vary.

The Inanimate Object Apology

This may be my favorite.

You bump into a chair.

“Sorry.”

Continue walking.

Wait.

Come back.

Did you just apologize...

to furniture?

Yes.

Yes, you did.

Nobody witnessed it.

Except the chair.

And the chair has accepted your apology.

We Also Provide Encouragement

This is where it becomes rather wonderful.

The struggling houseplant gets:

“There you go. Look at you.”

The old car gets:

“Good girl.”

The cake in the oven:

“Please rise.”

The stubborn zipper:

“You can do this.”

The tiny seedling:

“Come on, little one.”

Sometimes we don't merely assign objects responsibility.

We assign them courage.

Which is objectively ridiculous.

And somehow lovely.

Things Also Receive Names

Not proper names necessarily.

Situational names.

Buddy.

Friend.

Sir.

Ma'am.

And when circumstances deteriorate:

Listen here, mister.

🤣

The same jar that was “buddy” thirty seconds ago is now facing disciplinary action.

The Most Powerful Phrase in Human–Object Relations

There is one phrase that crosses categories.

Computers.

Cars.

Knotted shoelaces.

Stuck drawers.

Frozen screens.

Lawnmowers.

Zippers.

Fitted sheets.

Everything.

We lean toward the offending object and say:

“Don't start.”

That's it.

No explanation.

The object knows what it did.

Official Linguistic Findings

After extensive research conducted entirely by noticing ourselves, we have identified several standard phrases:

“Come on.”
General encouragement or warning.

“Really?”
Expression of disappointment.

“There you go.”
Object has successfully completed expected function.

“What are you doing?”
Object has behaved unexpectedly.

“Don't you dare.”
Mechanical failure appears imminent.

“Thank you.”
Object has finally complied.

“Sorry.”
Human has collided with object and inexplicably assumes moral responsibility.

And finally:

“Fine.”

This indicates that negotiations have collapsed.

Your Assignment

Listen to yourself today.

Not while talking to people.

Listen for the moments when you speak to something that cannot possibly respond.

What did you say?

More importantly—

what did you expect it to do about it?

😂

And if someone catches you mid-conversation and asks:

“Who are you talking to?”

There is only one appropriate answer.

Look at them.

Look back at the toaster.

And say:

“I wasn't talking to you.”