WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LAUGH

A practical guide to making absolutely certain everyone laughs.

DELIGHT No. 12

There are sentences that function as instructions.

Please sit down.

Turn left here.

Don't touch that.

And then there is:

“Don't laugh.”

This is not an instruction.

This is a detonator.

😂

Nothing may have been funny before.

That doesn't matter.

The moment someone looks directly at you—usually in a place where laughter would be terribly inconvenient—and whispers:

“Don't.”

It's over.

The First Mistake Is Eye Contact

You are fine.

Completely fine.

You have control of yourself.

Then you look at the other person.

They look at you.

There is a pause.

One corner of their mouth moves.

Barely.

Your lips disappear because you're pressing them together.

They look away.

You look away.

Nobody breathe.

Perhaps this can still be saved.

Then, without turning their head, they glance sideways at you.

Catastrophic.

🤣

The Silent Stage

Before actual laughter comes the dangerous part.

The shoulders.

One moves.

Then the other.

Your entire body begins performing tiny emergency tremors while your face desperately attempts to communicate:

I AM A SERIOUS PERSON.

You are not.

Not anymore.

The Sound That Escapes

You try to hold it in.

This produces a noise no human being should make.

Not quite a cough.

Not quite a squeak.

Something like:

“hnnk.”

That noise is considerably funnier than whatever started the problem.

The other person hears it.

Now their shoulders are shaking.

We have entered Stage Four.

There is no Stage Five.

Civilization ends here.

Places Where This Is Particularly Dangerous

Libraries.

Quiet waiting rooms.

Formal photographs.

School assemblies.

During somebody's very serious explanation of something that is not remotely funny.

Elevators.

Any room containing a person who has already said:

“What is so funny?”

Nothing.

That's the problem.

🤣

The Explanation Makes It Worse

Eventually someone demands:

“Why are you laughing?”

You attempt to explain.

There is no explanation.

Because the original funny thing stopped being funny six minutes ago.

Now you are laughing because they laughed because you made the noise because they looked at you because somebody said:

“Don't laugh.”

Try communicating that coherently while unable to breathe.

Impossible.

The Recovery Attempt

You compose yourself.

Deep breath.

Wipe your eyes.

“Okay.”

Another breath.

“I'm done.”

You are not done.

Everybody knows you're not done.

But we respect the optimism.

You straighten.

Look forward.

Three seconds pass.

Someone quietly repeats the original word.

Or makes the face.

Or produces the noise.

And you are gone again.

The Worst Possible Question

After several minutes, somebody asks:

“Are you finished?”

Never ask this.

This question has resurrected laughter previously believed extinct.

You nod.

You cannot speak.

They look skeptical.

This is also funny.

Everything is funny now.

The chair is funny.

The wall is funny.

Breathing has become funny.

There is no way back.

And Then Come the Tears

Not emotional tears.

Laughter tears.

Mascara may be compromised.

Glasses come off.

Someone is fanning their face.

Another person is bent forward with both hands on their knees.

One person has reached the silent-laughter stage where absolutely no sound is emerging anymore.

This individual may require assistance.

Or perhaps simply several minutes.

The Completely Unnecessary Apology

Eventually:

“I'm sorry.”

Why are you apologizing?

Nobody knows.

Perhaps for losing control of your respiratory system.

Then you say:

“I don't even know why we're laughing anymore.”

Which—

naturally—

starts it again.

🤣🤣🤣

Laughter Is Contagious in the Most Ridiculous Way

You don't even need to know the joke.

Walk into a room where two people are helplessly laughing and try remaining completely unaffected.

Someone looks at you.

Attempts to explain.

Fails.

Now you're smiling.

“What happened?”

They can't tell you.

One points at the other.

The other shakes their head.

And somehow, despite possessing absolutely no information—

you may start laughing too.

Human beings are wonderfully strange.

One Important Distinction

We are laughing with, never at someone's pain, embarrassment, vulnerability, appearance, difference, or misfortune.

There is plenty of laughter available without making another person smaller.

The very best kind leaves everybody in the room feeling lighter.

No victim required.

No cruelty necessary.

Just that wonderful moment when joy gets completely out of hand.

And apparently loses access to the brakes.

The Official Emergency Procedure

Should uncontrollable laughter occur:

Do not say:

“Stop laughing.”

Do not ask:

“What's so funny?”

Do not make eye contact.

Do not repeat the word.

Do not make the face.

And under absolutely no circumstances say:

“Whatever you do—don't laugh.”

Unless, of course...

you know exactly what you're doing.

😂