WELL, NOW I'M INVESTED

Things that were none of our business approximately thirty seconds ago.

DELIGHT No. 10

You weren't looking for entertainment.

You were simply standing at the kitchen window.

And then you noticed a squirrel.

The squirrel is carrying something.

Too big.

Far too big.

Possibly a bread roll.

Possibly half a bagel.

Whatever it is, the squirrel has made a decision.

A poor decision.

But a decision nonetheless.

It approaches the fence.

Stops.

Recalculates.

Attempts to climb.

The bagel catches.

The squirrel backs down.

You lean closer to the window.

Oh dear.

You're invested.

Come On, Buddy

The squirrel tries again.

Different angle.

Still no.

At this point, you are no longer an impartial observer.

You have joined the team.

“Turn it sideways.”

The squirrel does not acknowledge you.

“SIDEWAYS.”

Nothing.

You are now providing strategic advice through double-pane glass to an animal that neither knows nor cares that you exist.

The squirrel attempts again.

Nearly makes it.

“YES! COME ON!”

Someone elsewhere in the house calls:

"What are you doing?"

“NOT NOW.”

This is important.

😂

It Doesn't Have to Be a Squirrel

Perhaps you're watching someone across the parking lot attempting to fit an enormous box into a very small car.

You don't know them.

You've never seen them before.

But now?

You're calculating angles.

Back seat.

No.

Turn it.

No.

Open the other door.

They open the other door.

You whisper:

“That's it.”

Twenty seconds ago you were returning a shopping cart.

Now you are emotionally involved in the transportation of somebody else's bookcase.

The Shopping Cart

A loose shopping cart is rolling slowly across a parking lot.

There is nobody near it.

It is heading toward—

Oh no.

A car.

You watch.

The cart turns slightly.

Maybe.

Maybe...

misses the car by six inches.

Your entire body relaxes.

You weren't responsible for the cart.

You don't own the car.

Nobody knows you witnessed this.

And yet you've just experienced a complete three-act drama.

The Bird

A tiny bird is attempting to pull a worm from the ground.

The worm has apparently retained legal counsel.

There is resistance.

The bird pulls.

The worm pulls.

You stop walking.

This has become a sporting event.

You are not certain who you're rooting for.

This is ethically complicated.

Perhaps we move along.

😂

The Person Carrying Too Many Things

You see someone approaching a door.

Coffee.

Bag.

Phone.

Keys.

Another bag.

Possibly a child.

They are attempting to reach the handle using one finger while maintaining an arrangement that violates several known laws of physics.

You are too far away to help.

So you watch.

The coffee tilts.

Ohhhh...

Recovered.

The keys slip.

No no no—

Caught.

Door opens.

Everything survives.

You feel strangely proud.

They will never know.

The Balloon

A child has accidentally released a balloon indoors.

It rises toward a very high ceiling.

Several adults begin trying to retrieve it.

A broom appears.

Then a chair.

Someone suggests tape.

You have nothing whatsoever to do with this family.

But you are now standing nearby thinking:

The broom isn't long enough.

Another person enters with a mop.

Interesting development.

You remain.

There is no longer any possibility that you are leaving before this is resolved.

The Bug on the Window

Outside.

Not inside.

Inside changes the rules considerably.

😂

A tiny insect is climbing the glass.

It reaches an obstacle.

Falls slightly.

Recovers.

Continues.

You find yourself quietly saying:

“There you go.”

Why?

No idea.

Perhaps encouragement should not be limited by species.

Sports for People Who Don't Watch Sports

There should be a television network devoted entirely to ordinary things strangers become invested in.

ESPN: EXTREMELY SMALL PERSONAL NON-ISSUES.

Tonight:

SQUIRREL vs. BAGEL

followed by:

MAN ATTEMPTS TO LOAD SOFA INTO SEDAN

and later:

MYSTERY BOX: WILL IT FIT ON THE SHELF?

Commentators.

Instant replay.

Slow motion.

Statistics.

“This squirrel is 0 for 3 at the eastern fence post this season, but notice the improved bagel angle.”

🤣

I would watch.

Perhaps This Is Why We Cheer

Human beings seem to have an instinct for wanting things to make it.

The squirrel.

The stranger with the box.

The person running toward the elevator.

The kid trying to land the bottle upright.

The little plant growing through concrete.

The driver attempting to merge while nobody lets them in.

“Come on...somebody let them in.”

Someone does.

“Thank you!”

They cannot hear you.

You thank them anyway.

Maybe we simply like seeing effort rewarded.

Maybe some small part of us recognizes the attempt.

Or perhaps—

No.

We're getting dangerously close again.

Deploy distraction.

QUICK

There is a squirrel outside carrying an entire slice of pizza.

🤣

Official Spectator Rules

When you accidentally become invested:

You may quietly cheer.

You may offer completely useless advice.

You may remain until the outcome is known.

You may tell another person:

“Come here. You have to see this.”

At which point they may also become invested.

You may celebrate success despite having contributed absolutely nothing to it.

However:

Do not interfere when intervention isn't needed.

Do not photograph or embarrass strangers.

Do not turn another person's difficulty into entertainment.

And if someone actually needs help and you can reasonably offer it—

stop spectating.

Help.

We may be ridiculous.

We needn't be jerks.

The Department feels strongly about this.

Today's Unscheduled Event

At some point, something utterly irrelevant to your life may capture your attention.

A bird.

A bug.

A cloud.

A child trying to skip a stone.

A dog carrying a stick much wider than the gate.

You have places to be.

Things to do.

You could keep walking.

But perhaps—

just occasionally—

stay until you know how it ends.

Because sometimes five unexpectedly delightful minutes begin with:

“What on earth is that squirrel doing?”