NOBODY SAID THIS WAS A COMPETITION

But since we're here...

DELIGHT No. 17

There are official competitions.

Races.

Tournaments.

Spelling bees.

Pie-eating contests.

Things with judges, scoreboards and actual rules.

And then there are the competitions that appear spontaneously in ordinary life.

Nobody organized them.

Nobody agreed to participate.

There is nothing whatsoever to win.

Which apparently makes them irresistible.

😂

Carrying All the Groceries in One Trip

This may be humanity's most widely recognized unofficial sporting event.

You open the trunk.

There are twelve grocery bags.

A sensible person would make two trips.

You are not interested in what a sensible person would do.

You begin calculating.

Three bags on the left arm.

Four on the right.

Two hooked over individual fingers.

Bread under elbow.

Milk somehow incorporated into the structural engineering.

Someone says:

“I'll help.”

No.

Absolutely not.

You have trained for this.

🤣

You begin walking toward the house shaped like a human coat rack.

The plastic bag handles are cutting off circulation to three fingers.

You cannot reach the doorknob.

You refuse to admit defeat.

Because making a second trip would mean...

Well.

Nothing.

It would mean absolutely nothing.

And yet—

WE ARE NOT GOING BACK TO THAT CAR.

The Elevator Button

You press it.

It lights up.

Another person arrives.

They press it too.

Interesting.

Did they think your press lacked conviction?

Perhaps theirs was more technically advanced.

The elevator was already coming.

But now, thanks to their contribution, it is apparently...

more coming.

😂

Getting the Lid on the Container

You have leftovers.

You select a container.

The lid almost fits.

Almost.

A reasonable person might find the correct lid.

Instead, you rotate it.

Press one corner.

Then another.

Turn it around.

Press harder.

“This IS the lid.”

Someone nearby quietly observes:

“I don't think that's—”

“It is.”

This statement is no longer based on evidence.

It is based on principle.

🤣

The Automatic Door

You're approaching.

The doors haven't opened yet.

You continue walking.

Still closed.

At some invisible threshold—

whoosh.

You don't slow down.

Of course not.

You knew they'd open.

Probably.

Beating the GPS

The GPS says:

Arrival: 4:37.

Interesting.

You arrive at 4:34.

You feel victorious.

Against whom?

Traffic?

Satellite technology?

Mathematics?

Nobody knows.

But you look at the dashboard and think:

Three minutes.

Take that, space.

😂

For legal and common-sense purposes, the Department would like to clarify:

Do not speed to defeat a navigation system.

The satellite does not care.

Bringing Everything Upstairs at Once

Laundry basket.

Coffee.

Phone.

Mail.

Sweater.

Something belonging to someone else.

One random object that has needed to go upstairs for approximately six weeks.

You pile everything together.

Someone offers assistance.

Again:

No.

You begin climbing.

Halfway up, the sweater slips.

You catch it with your knee.

The mail slides.

You pin it with your chin.

This is no longer household organization.

This is Cirque du Soleil.

The Shopping Bag Handle Failure

Every unofficial athlete eventually encounters equipment failure.

One grocery bag begins stretching.

You feel it.

You know what's coming.

You are six feet from the door.

Come on, buddy.

Five feet.

Four.

The handle lengthens.

Three.

You begin moving faster.

Two.

STAY WITH ME.

One—

The bag touches the kitchen floor.

Handle snaps.

But the groceries are safe.

You stand there breathing heavily.

Nobody applauds.

This seems inappropriate.

The Microwave

We have already discussed stopping it at 0:01.

But there is another event.

You need thirty seconds.

You press:

3 – 0 – Start

Someone else presses:

Add 30 Seconds.

Oh.

So that's how we're living now.

😂

There is no winner here.

Although one person clearly thinks there is.

Carrying Too Many Things Is Particularly Suspicious

Why are we like this?

We own legs.

The destination remains available.

We are allowed to return.

Nobody has ever stood at the front door with a stopwatch shouting:

“THAT'S TWO TRIPS, MARTHA. DISQUALIFIED!”

And yet somewhere deep inside the human spirit lives an ancient voice whispering:

One trip.

Perhaps our ancestors crossed continents carrying everything they owned.

Perhaps this is genetic.

Or perhaps we simply don't want to put shoes back on.

Further research is required.

Children Understand Competition Differently

Two children are walking.

One begins walking faster.

The other notices.

Now they're racing.

Nobody said:

“Race you.”

It simply happened.

One child touches the fence first.

“I WIN!”

The other child is understandably confused.

“We weren't racing!”

Doesn't matter.

There is apparently a champion now.

😂

Adults do this too.

We're simply quieter about it.

The Dishwasher Loading Championship

This event is controversial.

Every household has its own governing body.

One person loads bowls facing inward.

Another outward.

One organizes cutlery.

Another believes cutlery should experience freedom.

Someone puts a wooden spoon somewhere that violates local regulations.

The dishwasher closes.

Everyone survives.

But one person looks at the arrangement and thinks:

I could have done that better.

We know.

Please sit down.

🤣

Official Rules for Unofficial Competition

You may compete against:

the microwave,

the GPS arrival estimate,

a stubborn grocery bag,

your previous high score,

the number of trips required to bring something inside,

and occasionally yourself.

You may not turn another person's ordinary existence into a competition they didn't agree to.

That isn't delight.

That's annoying.

And once again:

we needn't be jerks.

Apparently, this has become departmental policy.

😂

Your Assignment

Notice the next time you turn something completely ordinary into a competition.

Then ask yourself:

What exactly am I trying to win?

If the answer is:

"I don't know."

Excellent.

Continue safely.

And should you successfully carry seventeen grocery bags into the house in one trip—

stand tall.

Restore circulation to your fingers.

And accept the invisible trophy you have unquestionably earned.